CONFESSIONS OF A 14-YEAR-OLD BEAGLE
I’m thinking about writing my memoirs, and I’d like to share some trade secrets with the canine community.
Sometimes I lay down on my side with my eyes closed and periodically kick my hind legs. Someone will almost always say, “she’s chasing rabbits.” Actually I’m chasing that ever elusive biscuit. I earn points this way for being “cute”.
I know I’m a sloppy eater, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it does my owners. I just rub my snout on the carpet when I’m done. Hey, if they wanted me to have table manners, they should seat me at the table.
They ask me, “Taste good girl?”. I inhale my food, what does taste have to do with it? I figure if I eat my food real fast, they might see the empty dish and forget they fed me. This has worked on numerous occasions.
Sometimes, my man owner pushes me away when I lick him relentlessly. I just bark and stare him down. He seems to enjoy it, but he always wins. I love it.
I used to chew up newspapers they’d lay out for me, but not anymore. Once I chewed up a paper with a photo of the President and it tasted especially nasty.
Occasionally I’ll eat my own feces, I call it second hand meat. Hey, I don’t have the luxury of going to the fridge for a snack.
I bark at almost every sound I hear outside and stand rigid. They think I’m being a good watchdog. I really don’t know why I do it. I’m just weak I guess.
I bite and lick myself in areas I don’t see my owners do. They should really try it sometime. But in all fairness, I’d have to caution that coughing up hairballs can be very unpleasant.
I’m not as young as I used to be, but I can still polish off a bowl of food faster than people do. And have plenty of room left for a biscuit treat.
I’d kill for ice cream. But then there’d be no one left to feed it to me.
I always sleep near one of my owners. That way I’ll know when they get up to get something to eat. Sometimes they look at me and feel guilty and they share. I also plant myself nearby when they’re preparing food. If they trip over me, which is honestly not my intention, they might drop something I can devour before they recover.
They hide sour pills in my food. They think they’re tricking me but it certainly is a good tactic to get extra food. I might be old, but I’m not senile.
I like to lick human skin. The salt content on some people is wonderful. Especially their eye sockets.
All in all, I pretty much run the house and usually get all the attention I need. My only complaint is when they feed me, they limit my portions. Hey, give me a crack at the whole bag once in a while, will you? One time, the man owner fed me, then the girl owner fed me, and then the lady owner fed me. I think about that day a lot.
Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!